Pence refuses to renew Trump for another season
In their defence, we don’t have a shared concept of truth anymore and I accept it’s hard to know whom to believe. Has an election been stolen in an elaborate scheme perpetrated by the mainstream media, the Democrats and Republican officials in states won by Joe Biden, or is that all just a lie by the lying liar who lies all the time? A real conundrum.
Just as Mike Pence and Republican Senate leader Mitch McConnell demonstrated that they still had at least one vertebra remaining, I commend those within the Trump administration who had the courage to resign … after it was clear the coup attempt had failed and the electoral vote count had been certified and they only had two weeks left of work anyway. Heroes, one and all. And while they’re now being compared to rats fleeing a sinking ship I think that’s an unfair comparison, when they’ve actually spent most of the time staying afloat by being like Kate Winslet on that Titanic door – taking up valuable space and failing to help others.
Citizens rising up and storming Congress just to make Trump feel better would be like Australians storming Parliament House to protect the ego of ‘The Block’ host Scott Cam.
As a result of this week’s events, the social media giants finally stepped in, with Twitter and Facebook suspending his accounts indefinitely, like parents confiscating a child’s phone.
Personally, I have my own theory for what should be done to prevent Trump from spouting any more lies and causing chaos. It’s been well-documented that Trump likes to keep those around him quiet by requiring them to sign non-disclosure agreements. If only Congress could pay Trump to sign one himself, he might finally shut up for good.
Whatever else Trump is, to me he will always be just some reality TV show host. Which is what makes this week’s events especially ludicrous. Citizens rising up and storming Congress just to make Trump feel better would be like Australians storming Parliament House to protect the ego of The Block host Scott Cam.
But anyone concerned that such a phenomenon could develop here should take comfort from the words of Prime Minister Scott Morrison this week. When asked about whether he would condemn conspiracy theories being promoted by members of his own government such as George Christensen and Craig Kelly, the PM reassured all Australians by responding: “Y’know, Australia’s a free country, there’s such a thing as freedom of speech in this country, and that will continue.” So that’s nipped that in the bud, then.
If I ruled the world
I’m pleased to be able to report on a follow-up to one of my previous gripes detailed in this column. Last year I wrote about how buttons at pedestrian crossings were the bane of my existence since people were either not pressing them when they should have, or insultingly leaning over to press a button that you’d already pressed.
Since my impassioned plea on this page, the majority of major pedestrian crossings in Sydney have had automated systems installed whereby you no longer need to press the button at all. Some people will tell you it was due to the pandemic. I’ll let you be the judge.
Credit to Benedict Brook from news.com.au who, for reasons best known to himself, decided to listen to Hillsong co-founder Bobbi Houston’s sex advice CD and report back on the contents. I had it next on my list after the audiobook of Obama’s memoir, but Benedict has generously saved me the effort.
Houston says: “If I carry weight I feel like a retard, how are you going to do anything to surprise your man when you need a hydraulic crane just to turn over in bed?” I believe she paraphrased that from the Bible but I could be wrong. I myself was invited along to a Hillsong conference 16 years ago and I recall one pastor explaining that, to establish a relationship with God, you had to make a commitment not just with your heart, but with your wallet. I made a commitment to the exit.
Mark Humphries is a writer and comedian. He is the resident satirist on ABC’s 7.30.